The week goes on

Booked in on Sunday night with super lack of sleep from Bataam retreat and feeling sick from last 3 days

And then on Monday I got back my X-ray report on leg which showed my leg to be perfectly fine, which means I have to do my routes march remedial training on a Saturday, which made me super upset already. 

So, having weekend burnt, losing things here and there, need to qiong sua in Taiwan, it's really a depressing week to start out with but somehow I survived till Friday. 

Went home on Tuesday to grab clean clothes and wash the dirty clothes, wanted to do some quiet time but I played a mission on my game and mission dragged on and I left home just in time feeling more unhappy, then life goes on luh huh.

Endured alittle more, thank God I got 2nd year IPPT silver which means more money!!! Yay!!! Went home on Thursday night, this time, grab new clothes, shower and spent close to an hour on piano and guitar just singing praises. Totally love this feeling max. Spiritually and mentally recharge to face the route march on Saturday though physically tired due to fatigue and lack of sleep accumulated from last week. 

That's all for now. Shall see how things go on Saturday and next week I'm gonna spend alittle more time in camp, then go defer my university intake to next year February and apply for probational driving license. 

Flying off to Taiwan for the climax next week and then after which all shall end. Looking forward to a time of more rest after that. Time of bitter and tough times 1st, then after that is more a more sweet and relaxing time. 

All these draggings

Injury dragged on while waiting for X-ray report
Disruption process forever a dragging process
1 week break for me before all chaos sets off once again.
But that one week break is good enough for me I guess.
Time to sleep after a long and tiring day out.

Injured, pain but glad it's over

I've pulled through the worse week of march already, even though I'm injured myself at multiple areas, especially my leg.

Bruises, cuts, soreness and aches and one large open wound sustained from a fall.
But then, even then, after 3 days of killer field camp, followed by Vocational Obstacle Course on Thursday and my medical skill proficiency test on Friday.

Totally feel like a full time qiongsua infantry man and a part time paramedic.
But then, there is little to celebrate.
Only little rest, of which I've overspent on food the moment I got my hands on them.
The month of march is a month of overspending and little resting.

Now that march is over, next month is coming already!!! A little breather (I hope before the worse comes).

After that (I secretly hope it's 5 months of holidays), is just the final phase of my NS life, followed by ORD!!!!

Thank God for His ever sustaining love, strength and mercy.

Facing this

Facing this once again, just perhaps on a greater scale, tougher, more demanding, more draining.
But then, be it flow through the motion, eat sweets non stop to feel the sugar rush or just keep going on.

May God be my strength in the next few days.
Company mission exercise!!!

Hoorah!!!

~Gonna pamper myself with more food and drinks waiting for me after finishing it, even though this month the budget kinda over burst already!!!~

Pre-book in blues

Booking in soon. It was a long break, and I do not look forward to the break ending cause it means it's time for PME, which is Platoon Mission Exercise.

Gonna go for another field camp
Say hi to the heavy medic bag and stretcher, rifle, field pack, camouflage cream, mud, sweat, fatigue, lack of sleep and hopefully no rain.

Every field camp is a testing for me. And I must always keep my eyes focused on the Lord cause being the medic is one of the toughest job in an infantry platoon. Sometimes I really hope I can just throw away the medic bag to one side but it defeats the purpose of being a medic. Every field camp pulls me beyond my endurance level and I guess so will this field camp be.

No point thinking about it so much and feeling so helpless. I gotta face it and pull through it.
Gonna be back on friday. There will be good food waiting for me upon stepping out of camp on Friday.

The denied request...

Well, perhaps it's time for me to stop hiding my blog and keeping it to myself...time to be more open about what has been going on.

But I'm still not crazy to post the blog link on facebook and let everyone see. The list of people who can see this post are filtered, which means those whom I keep in contact more with or I feel comfortable in letting them know of the existence of my blog will see the link...Anyways.

All these things going on in the previous week, one of which is the VOC, also known as vocational obstacle course which a group of soldiers have to clear with their vest and armor plates and rifles in a certain timing.

This obstacle course left me with a lot of unpleasant experience ever since my BMT days back in 2012. And then, I did not touch the course till about a year later. It was only in late November that I did it again. This time, though stronger, the requirements became more also, and once again, I couldn't clear the obstacle due to the fact that I had the extra armor platings in the vest that weighed me down.

And then, I was still confident that I could still pass it since it's a group test, and the stronger ones could help the ones that have difficulties in clearing the obstacles, but then, I got pulled out of the test last minute due to some circumstances, and then have to train more with the obstacle course and I thought I could still pass it.
Praying to God and telling God that I want to just pass this obstacle course, and then I do not have to do it again.

But then, during the test, we couldn't clear one of the obstacle. I wasn't blaming the person who couldn't clear that obstacle, but rather, I was unhappy with the fact that despite my prayers and request for the passing of the obstacle, we were so close to passing it and we failed. We have to train more and then do the test again. I wasn't unhappy with God, just that the previous pains where being unable to clear the combat obstacle course and IPPT came at me again.

So that night, during my prayers, I was just praying to God, as usual, thanking God for the day and bringing me through the day despite all that has happened. And then, suddenly I felt God speaking to me: "I did not let you clear it so quickly cause I want you to keep going at it until it no longer becomes an obstacle to you, and something that you will be able to face it and not feel fears and worries running through you."

At that point of time, I remembered the verse where the apostle Paul prayed to God to remove the thorn of the flesh for 3 times, and all 3 times it was denied and God replied that His grace is sufficient in our weakness.

Things do not go according to how we want it to be, and the results disappoints us time after time. God is forcefully molding us and teaching us, but the wounds are not meant to hurt, He will restore us and all unto us strength. It's not just physical strength to clear a physical obstacle course. We have a spiritual race and spiritual obstacle course to clear. God be my strength, I need thee every hour.

Welcome.

Setback once again.
Meh... welcome to my life.

How long more must this drag when it could be ended swiftly and quickly?

And then, while I was praying over this issue, I felt God telling me that He is not going to let get over with this so easily. I gotta keep facing it again and again till it no longer becomes a thing that I dread so much.

Ouch

Going to miss out my 1st piano lesson for the new term just when it starts...ouch!!

My lessons are not cheap de lei!!

Well, nothing goes smoothly and things happen.
I just hope all my teachers will help and I learn as much as I can.
And I got a lot of re-adjustment to do already. Since that's the case.

And then, it's close to 2am already and
I'm still awake. Effects of night shift last dosen't it? Well, just enjoying music and raindrops. Later in the day gotta book in already!!!

Tick tock tick tock

The times keeps going on, not stopping for anyone.

With this the calender moves on from 2013 to 2014

I'm not going to post all kind of nonsense such as "new year resolution" or "what to achieve in this new year"
And I'm not going to post things like it's a new year, it's a new start and bla bla bla bla

I'm wondering why do people even want to post things like it's a new year and it's a new start when the transition from 31st December of an old year to 1st January of a new year does not unlock the ability called "format C drive". Like what? Clear all the memories of what happened in the previous year cause it's just a new year? You only get a "format C drive" option when one suffers from a severe concussion", and that is not the option that anyone wants. That is being remembered into memories will not be automatically removed just because it's a new year. I rather just continue living on.

And new year resolution nonsense pretty much last up to 1 month to the maximum cause one would realize that it is pretty much wishful thinking to think of such things when everyday we are all struggling to keep up the pace of life and the things that life and reality has to throw at us. From looking forward to what to do this year merely becomes a struggle to catch the breath to survive the week ahead. So no point celebrating a new year.

I do not know what I have such a state of mind. After all, the times where a new year feels like a new cycle ends at the age of 17. From then on, a polythenic semester starts in april and the start of the year is always a mad rush cause it's the final stretch of the semester to get assignments and projects completed. That lasted for 3 years, and then after that is NS, the part where I have to struggle to pull through every day, every week and every month. No time to look for a year ahead. So perhaps that's how I ended in this mentality.

I then told myself that the only things that matters is my walk with God. Of how I wanted to really live a life that pleases Him. Then...*pause*. Isn't this a daily thing and not a yearly thing. It has a difference of 364 if it's a daily thing to a yearly thing. So then, a new year does not really apply in this case much. And a new year is only a scary thing, that the coming of the Lord is getting nearer and nearer.

Does not mean I'm gonna just sit there and watch people wish each other a happy new year and I'm not doing anything. So, to those reading the blog, I wish u a happy new year too!!


Sign off
GLUM

And then...

And when life feels upside down with the unpleasant after effects sets in.

I need to...

I need to really start taking life more easily before I start driving myself insane.

And losing my sanity to the organization that robbed me of my life is not worth at all

Back...and exhausted

Being a platoon medic in a field camp mission is literally a killer.
The arm band with the red cross weighs nothing
But the weight that comes along with it is madness

I'm so thankful that I had my platoon mates to help me in the carrying of my weight
Without their help and support I would have fall out of the attack mission

And above all, I thank God for bringing me through, sustaining my health and preserving me from injuries throughout the field camp.

A few more field camp that follows up and I got to get stronger in the process to face what I got to pull through

Though tough and exhausting, this field camp is actually more fun and exciting despite the weight I have to carry and bla bla bla

For now...sleep. Can't even keep my eyes opened when typing this.

I'm still yours, Lord

Through all that is happening

Through all the testing and trials

I kinda dreading what is ahead, yet at the same time looking forward to what is ahead.

The weight I have to carry is really heavy, I tried it out today, and it's madness. I need those around me to help me and I'm glad they are willing to.

But above all, God be my protector, provider and strength

To face what I've been facing so far and what I have to conquer this week.

I surrender all that is ahead into your hands 

Stand down

Deployment has stand down already.
Life feels so upside down...

My off days are no longer standard but erratic
Weird sleeping hours
Doing several night shift in a row
Missing church for several weeks consectively
Getting caught up in different struggles
I have 4 weeks before going for the next operation for 6 weeks
In this 4 weeks, there will be a field camp of which there might end up as mud spa due to all the rain

I got to piece my life back piece by piece before my next deployment starts....only to have everything crumble down and then everything will feel messed up once again??

Does that mean I shouldn't even bother to piece back everything slowly piece by piece?

Whatever luh, gotta hang on till next year June after coming back from ******

Step by step, slowly walk this path...and only to bleed out before reaching the end?

Once again

Once again going for deployment...things are gonna get busy and tiring and gonna be missing church quite alot once again.

No complains made, so far, cause of the better welfare that I've managed to receive this time round.

Deployment-lull-deployment-lull....few more rounds and I'm counting down to ORD.

What happens after ORD????? A BIG ->???????????

Not just that...got alot of other changes in my life that has taken place since the last deployment...
I just hope I will be able to pull through it..

During my off days...gonna spend time just eating and eating and archery once again :)
(Of course need exercise)

Not to mention the crazy amount of food I had with my classmate yesterday...
Chatting about NS life together as medics, our lives in research laboratory, our lives in school, our lives after NS...and the how eating all these food will make us all grow fat and go for RT after we ORD...gosh..

In the midst all these

In the midst of all these testing and trials
In the midst of all these aching and strain

Lord, I come before you
I feel literally broken
I come before you, declaring that you are the only one that I need.
You are the only one whom I can depend on.

Whatever that is ahead,
I commit all into your hands

A need to adapt

The last week was just like a super tough time of getting used to my new place and at the same time taking my emotions and thoughts captive.

They literally just went...out of control. With an emotion that was out of control, it's really tough to maintain even a smile on my face and I was just feeling so down and depressed with all that is happening around.

God is still testing me that my trust would be in Him.
I am really sick and tired to thinking what I have to face ahead and what I have to do and where would I eventually end up.

I do not want to have this heart that resent the place that I am in even though I know I ought to give thanks.

I just wanna quieten down my heart and let God take control.
Yes, I have a new place to adapt to and after 2 weeks, another round of adaptation that has to be done.
But God...I can only say...u take charge.

Final battle of this phase

Coming face to face what has been haunting me for the past months
I have no more back-up plans
I have no more place where I can run to
I can't live in denial anymore

I have to come face to face with what I have been so afraid of.
I have come to the point where I can only tell God: "You lead me".
I have no other way out. I have no other options. Crying to God out of desperation is my only way now.

I will choose to thank God no matter what happens
At the same time I will also choose to believe that what God will be doing in my life is what He knows best.

=.=

Another half of the weekend that I have just robbed away from me in such a way...
In all situations, just give thanks.
Another week that is gonna be long and tiring.
But then, despite all that is going on, just have to keep moving on in faith.
Shall go on a read-eat-sleep cycle for the sunday that I spend in camp

Never try to live your life with God in any other way than His way. And His way means absolute devotion to Him. Showing no concern for the uncertainties that lie ahead is the secret of walking with Jesus
~Oswald Chambers~

Rejected...

Rejected...but what is there so surprised about?
I already know that I can't take this path in my life
After all, I have already accepted the fact

I'm just amused that the rejection came faster than I expected.
But does not make a difference.
Cause even if I don't get rejected 1st, I would have carried out the rejection myself later on